In The Closet About BDSM

In a day and age when acceptance of many different lifestyle choices has grown, BDSM is still looked down upon.  Jobs can be lost, individuals can be shunned by coworkers, even friends and family members can disappear once they find out that your interests have strayed into BDSM.  This is why one of the worst things you can do is publicly out someone in the lifestyle, because the ramifications of their personal life can be immense.

So you can understand why sub cee was upset when her coworkers blindsided her by publicly discussing her desires within the lifestyle.  Have a read and see what happened and how she did to handle the situation.

Master Bishop

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Not too long ago I went out with a couple of girls from work to a show. Now it isn’t some huge secret that I’m a little kinkier than most of my friends but it is known that discretion is necessary. At said show, one of my coworkers drunkenly came up to me and said something along the lines of “Terrance* told me about your pictures! You know.. the one with the thing in your mouth!” I looked at her and all I could think was how much I really didn’t want to have this conversation right now. She kept pushing and pushing until finally I turned to face her and told her what I am. Right there in the middle of the dance floor among a massive amount of screaming, womping, intoxicated people, I openly admitted to being a submissive masochist.

This girl and I weren’t the best of friends. We didn’t have some crazy connection beforehand. I can’t really begin to pinpoint the reason I snapped. Part of it may have been that she already had some sort of idea. She already knew that I wasn’t “normal.” What I did know was that in the middle of that dance floor with the bass pumping through my chest, I began to question myself. I started to feel anxiety about the fact that I admitted it so openly and freely. I started to care about what she would think of me. I started to worry if other people overheard.
I really couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much but I knew it did. It bothered me very very much.

I was at work last night with Terrance (the one who decided it would be okay to talk about my pictures) and I decided it was time for the two of us to have a little chat. I wasn’t angry with them. I knew that their reason for talking about it was due to culture conditioning and lack of logic. It wasn’t meant to try and harm me in any way. I explained how the conversation they had wasn’t appropriate and how what I do calls for discretion. They understood and apologized. After the conversation I got the same feeling I did when I admitted to being what I am at the show. This black hole in my chest. This open pit of anxiety. I wanted to curl up and cry.

I have realized I am in the closet. I may always be in the closest as on many levels, this is the nature and the price of what we do. We keep what we are quiet from the world. The world knows we are there. They know we exist. We are the monsters under the bed and shadows on the walls but we frighten ourselves more than we will ever scare anyone else. They fear us because they don’t understand us. We fear ourselves because we do. We know what we’re capable of. We understand the desires and the urges that seem so wrong to everyone else and it scares us so much that we take our monsters and hide them away. We shove them into a closet and leave them in chains telling ourselves it’s to protect our monsters. We want them to be safe from the world and hope one day there will be another monster who will love them just as much as we do.

The girl from the show jumped up an down in excitement when I told her what I was. It was like she couldn’t get the words out of her mouth fast enough. “I AM THE SAME” is what she told me. She has a monster to. A monster who has never been tamed, has never been trained, has never been let out. She was so excited to find someone who knew, who understood. I reached up, put my hand in her hair and pulled.

– sub cee

*name has been changed

**Thank you sub cee for sharing such a personal story.  If you have a personal story, good or bad about how your interests were accepted by others outside of the lifestyle please share them below.  The only way W/we can grow acceptance of O/our lifestyle is by sharing O/our stories.